*Disclaimer: the following subject matter is in regards to poop. No kidding. If you don't want to read about poop, I highly suggest you discontinue reading at this point. Consider yourself warned.* - bmo
Dropping the kids off at the pool. Baking brownies. Making a deposit. All great euphemisms for one of the most natural processes of the human body. Everyone does it, some more than others (yes, Gentlemen...even girls play at the Toilet Bowl, whether or not you want to believe it). Albeit being so natural, I have one question: what's the deal with people stinking up the facilities at work? And I'm not talking about a hint in the air that makes a person look up in wonder and internally say "eww;" but the kind of moment where you suddenly realize the Air Quality Index has plummeted to an all-time low and people better be evacuated before the company ends up as a live-stream on CNN.com with the caption "Gas Tragedy in the Midwest" in bold, red letters.
Don't get me wrong - when you gotta go, you gotta go and sometimes there just ain't no stoppin' it. It could be due to one cup of coffee too many or a Friday morning case of Beer Gut (no doubt instigated by the "fantastic" Thirsty Thursday 50 cent tap special that was a brilliant idea at the time, but not so much at 8AM the following morning). But as a S.W.P. (Seldom Work Pooper), I dread hitting up the facilities for my afternoon pee for the fear of being hit square in the face with a Stink Sandwich brought on by a F.W.P. (Frequent Work Pooper).
One of the most uncomfortable (but funny) work experiences I've ever had was stopping off at the bathroom with my officemate and having to part the Sewage Curtain in order to get in a pre-meeting pee. Granted, we laughed until we were gasping for air and practically crying, but I'm still not certain whether those two things had to do with the humor of the situation or the toxicity brought on by the invisible gas cloud that seemed to linger for days. My co-worker is still battling a case of severe Stink Eye brought on by that encounter. Thank God physical therapy is covered by our health insurance.
Therefore, for the courtesy of others, the following standards should apply whenever dropping one off at work:
1. Courtesy flush.
Granted, it's maybe not the most environmentally friendly thing to do, but once that nugget hits the water, the nicest thing you can do for your fellow co-worker is get rid of it and fast. The quicker the pipes devour it, the less time it has to pollute the shared air everyone entering the facilities has to deal with. And fewer fingers will point directly at you when you finally reemerge from your second office after a 10-minute personal meeting.
2. Air freshen away.
If you're a F.W.P. and there's nothing you can do about it, the nicest thing you can do would be to supply your Bathroom of Choice (B.C.) with a can of air freshener. No, you're not fooling anyone, but I'd rather believe that your poop carries a hint of Grandma's apple cobbler with it than that of a Porta-John located in the desert of New Mexico that hasn't been emptied for the entire summer. And don't even try to justify that your B.C. is equipped with a wall-mounted air freshener. We all know those don't work worth a...well, you know...
3. Find the Archives and make your safety deposit down there.
If you work for a moderately-sized corporation, chances are there's a bathroom somewhere in the building that doesn't see much traffic, for various reasons: it's out of the way, has unflattering lighting, isn't cleaned often or is located next to the most obnoxious co-worker of all time. Consider this a hidden treasure, as it's almost always guaranteed to be vacant, and what better environment for you to lay one down in than a place without interruption? Consider it a Zen-like place to do your duty. Another perk: you'll be stinking up Mr. Obnoxious's work space instead that of your treasured receptionist, Dottie.
4. Save your fiber for the afternoon
It's one thing to have a healthy colon, but do you really need that glass of prune juice at 9:00 every morning? Hold off until 3PM and it's less likely you'll need to throw one down while on the clock. You'll still be regular, but only you and your loved ones will have to deal with the after affects of your daily fiber fix.
-bmo
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3 comments:
I share an office with three other gals. Our office happens to be right next to the employee bathroom. Because of our less than desirable office location,we have come to find out that we have several F.W.P.'s at our agency...and we know who they are. What's almost worse then dealing with poo smell (and knowing who made the deposit, baked brownies, etc) is the fact that we get polluted with air freshener on a daily basis. Not just one or two sprays is enough for these F.W.P.'s..."oh better spray an entire can of air freshener to cover up my smelly poo so nobody will notice!" Yuck. Seriously people, there is a Cenex right across the street. You want to know what else is gross about having an office next to the employee bathroom? The sound of men taking a pee. Why is that so LOUD? Also, being next to the bathroom, we know who washes their hands and who doesn't. And we have to work with these people! Thanks Beth, for the blog on this topic. I needed to vent :) My office mates and I battle this issue every single day. Glad to know that there are others out there that are dealing with this very same issue and are living to tell about it.
OMG, you effin crack me up. I was laughing so dang hard!!
Bethy Boo...you are one of a kind! You absolutely made my day. I laughed so hard, I was in tears...kind of like the ones you get when the fumes are too strong in the B.C.!! I have to try to print this and share it with Grandpa...you know he will love it!
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